I Am A Mother

The hardest day so far since Isabela has been gone was Mother's Day! I spent this day trying to forget that I am a mother. I am not sure why I did this but I did. That night when I laid down to go to sleep I cried all night because I did not get any recognition for being a mother. I could not say that I am a mother without someone thinking," you are"?.

Another thing that is so hard is when someone asks about my daughter, people that does not know what happened. I did a vendor event in my hometown one weekend, actually the weekend after mother's day, and a lady can up to me and ask when I had my baby. I told her I had her in December. Then the lady  said you look great. I was holding my tears back, praying to myself, please don't ask where she is please don't ask where she is. I knew that if I had to say what happened I would start crying right on the spot. Seeing other people who have children make me cry. There were two babies at this event too. So I was already emotional and holding back my tears. People just don't know to think that something that like could have happened. I am sure this lady had no clue but this is what I have to carry with me everyday, the fear that someone that has no clue what happened and will ask and i have to explain it to them. Some days are easier to explain it than others but it is hard either way. When people ask how I am I always say okay. When inside I am a emotional wreck. I have always been great at holding in my emotions and smiling when I am not happy. This is exactly what I had to do that day. I probably should have told the Lady what happened but I didn't want to break down in the middle of an event. So I just said to myself it isn't her business. Not to mention that when I bring my story up people act like I am an elephant in the room from that moment forward. 

I wish that I could yell from the roof top, I AM A MOTHER!!!!