Reliving that day

I went to the hospital in St. Louis MO where my husband and I found out Isabela had passed away and man was that hard. I did not think anything of it when my husband had told his friend that we would go with them to see his father in the hospital, but we did not know what hospital we were going to anyways until we were almost there. As soon as I realized that it was the same hospital my heart started pounding. I kept having thoughts of what it was like that day driving to see our precious baby and my husband, my mom, and my conversation that whole way there. It was like I was reliving that day. I kept looking down at my belly and remembering that I am not pregnant and that I am just freaking myself out. This may have been one of the hardest days that I have had in a long time but I had to stay strong and not let anyone see the fear and tears in my eyes. I was secretly in panic. My heart was racing as we approached the hospital. I kept saying to myself, "If only I knew what I was getting myself into that day going to the hospital". I went into the hospital on Dec 14, 2012 to see my baby kick and see how much she has grown in two weeks but instead my heart was ripped to pieces and my life was turned upside down. I tend to have thoughts about that one day, a rerun of how the day played out and I always ask myself why did this happen to me. Finding out that you lost your child is the hardest thing in the entire world, especially when it is something that you want so badly. I have always wanted to be a mother, and I was happy when I found out that I was going to have a baby girl to call my own. When we arrived to the hospital and entered the parking lot I began to see myself, my mom, and husband going into the hospital talking about how Isabela is going to look and how excited we were. I began to get sad because I knew that those three people were going to leave that hospital changed forever. I tend to get into these moments where I remember seeing her face, remember the doctor saying those words that turned my world inside out in a second. The hardest things that ever could happen to a person happened to us. I still til this day have anger toward everyone and everything, I still til this day can't look at someone pregnant and truly be happy for them. I have anger towards the people who have what I despritely want. I hate when people say that you can always have another child. It is not about having another child to replace the child I lost, it is about holding my daughter in my arms one more time, it is about not seeing her grow, it is about not experiencing all of the firsts with her. Having another child is not going to bring Isabela back. I think having a baby will help some, but the reality is still there, I will never see my daughter again. Just this month I thought my husband and I were pregnant again, I was one week late. I put off taking a test because I was terrified. I did not want to be disappointed that I wasn't pregnant yet I did not want to be pregnant. It was a feeling that I have not never felt before. I felt selfish wanting another child, I felt it would not be fair to Isabela, moving on. My husband and I would love to have a child but I feel after last month we need to wait a little longer because I am not sure if I could handle being pregnant again this soon, maybe in a few more months. I wish the thoughts that I have would go away and I would stop thinking and reliving that day but I don't think that I ever will. Things like that tends to stick with me for a very long time. When my father passed away I found him that morning in our living room, lifeless. I relived that day for about two years. I think that I will relive those three days of finding out our daughter was no longer alive to the day that I gave birth to the most beautiful angel in the world.