Reliving that day

I went to the hospital in St. Louis MO where my husband and I found out Isabela had passed away and man was that hard. I did not think anything of it when my husband had told his friend that we would go with them to see his father in the hospital, but we did not know what hospital we were going to anyways until we were almost there. As soon as I realized that it was the same hospital my heart started pounding. I kept having thoughts of what it was like that day driving to see our precious baby and my husband, my mom, and my conversation that whole way there. It was like I was reliving that day. I kept looking down at my belly and remembering that I am not pregnant and that I am just freaking myself out. This may have been one of the hardest days that I have had in a long time but I had to stay strong and not let anyone see the fear and tears in my eyes. I was secretly in panic. My heart was racing as we approached the hospital. I kept saying to myself, "If only I knew what I was getting myself into that day going to the hospital". I went into the hospital on Dec 14, 2012 to see my baby kick and see how much she has grown in two weeks but instead my heart was ripped to pieces and my life was turned upside down. I tend to have thoughts about that one day, a rerun of how the day played out and I always ask myself why did this happen to me. Finding out that you lost your child is the hardest thing in the entire world, especially when it is something that you want so badly. I have always wanted to be a mother, and I was happy when I found out that I was going to have a baby girl to call my own. When we arrived to the hospital and entered the parking lot I began to see myself, my mom, and husband going into the hospital talking about how Isabela is going to look and how excited we were. I began to get sad because I knew that those three people were going to leave that hospital changed forever. I tend to get into these moments where I remember seeing her face, remember the doctor saying those words that turned my world inside out in a second. The hardest things that ever could happen to a person happened to us. I still til this day have anger toward everyone and everything, I still til this day can't look at someone pregnant and truly be happy for them. I have anger towards the people who have what I despritely want. I hate when people say that you can always have another child. It is not about having another child to replace the child I lost, it is about holding my daughter in my arms one more time, it is about not seeing her grow, it is about not experiencing all of the firsts with her. Having another child is not going to bring Isabela back. I think having a baby will help some, but the reality is still there, I will never see my daughter again. Just this month I thought my husband and I were pregnant again, I was one week late. I put off taking a test because I was terrified. I did not want to be disappointed that I wasn't pregnant yet I did not want to be pregnant. It was a feeling that I have not never felt before. I felt selfish wanting another child, I felt it would not be fair to Isabela, moving on. My husband and I would love to have a child but I feel after last month we need to wait a little longer because I am not sure if I could handle being pregnant again this soon, maybe in a few more months. I wish the thoughts that I have would go away and I would stop thinking and reliving that day but I don't think that I ever will. Things like that tends to stick with me for a very long time. When my father passed away I found him that morning in our living room, lifeless. I relived that day for about two years. I think that I will relive those three days of finding out our daughter was no longer alive to the day that I gave birth to the most beautiful angel in the world.

I Am A Mother

The hardest day so far since Isabela has been gone was Mother's Day! I spent this day trying to forget that I am a mother. I am not sure why I did this but I did. That night when I laid down to go to sleep I cried all night because I did not get any recognition for being a mother. I could not say that I am a mother without someone thinking," you are"?.

Another thing that is so hard is when someone asks about my daughter, people that does not know what happened. I did a vendor event in my hometown one weekend, actually the weekend after mother's day, and a lady can up to me and ask when I had my baby. I told her I had her in December. Then the lady  said you look great. I was holding my tears back, praying to myself, please don't ask where she is please don't ask where she is. I knew that if I had to say what happened I would start crying right on the spot. Seeing other people who have children make me cry. There were two babies at this event too. So I was already emotional and holding back my tears. People just don't know to think that something that like could have happened. I am sure this lady had no clue but this is what I have to carry with me everyday, the fear that someone that has no clue what happened and will ask and i have to explain it to them. Some days are easier to explain it than others but it is hard either way. When people ask how I am I always say okay. When inside I am a emotional wreck. I have always been great at holding in my emotions and smiling when I am not happy. This is exactly what I had to do that day. I probably should have told the Lady what happened but I didn't want to break down in the middle of an event. So I just said to myself it isn't her business. Not to mention that when I bring my story up people act like I am an elephant in the room from that moment forward. 

I wish that I could yell from the roof top, I AM A MOTHER!!!!

Remembering Isabela

Most people are unsure to how they can push on but still remember the child that they have lost. I questioned this often and came up with many ways to remember my daughter.

The first thing is not being scared to talk about your child. I talk about Isabela everyday! My husband and I talk about how things would be if she was still here with us. The other day my husband told me I farted in my sleep when I was pregnant and I made the joke that it was Isabela, not me. I talk to my family and friends about her too. She did not die to me, she just isn't here with me if that makes sense.

The second way to remember your child is by going back through all the things you got from the hospital. I got through my ultrasound pictures all the time. I also watch my ultrasound videos and watch her move inside me on television. This brings me joy.

 The third way to remember your child is by sending off a letter with balloons. My husband and I did this just a week ago. It was the most therapeutic action that we have taken so far. My good friend took photos of this because she wanted to capture this moment for us. This gave us the opportunity to write a letter to Isabela and send it to heaven to her. My feelings were overwhelming that day but after doing this I felt so much better. By sharing these photos it let us share with the world that we will never forget our daughter. The fourth way to help remember your child is by starting a blog and writing your story down and sharing with people who need guidance like you once and probably still do need. I feel writing my feeling down helps and writing about my daughter makes me feel great. Even if no one is listening, it is the fact that I am getting my feelings out that helps.

 The last but not final way to remember your child is by doing a fundraiser or a walk to raise awareness in your child's name. My friend and I went through this around the same time and we plan to do this at some point. I think this is great because it will help spread stillbirth awareness and also remember your child. I shared with you a few photos of the memorial shoot in memory of my daughter. This is my favorite way to remember my daughter. I plan to send balloons off every year on her birthday.

These are just some ideas that will help you remember your child. I feel that by doing these things I not only do it for myself but I also do it to show that world that I will never forget her. She was so special to my husband and I, therefore I want to do everything I can to let the world know that I am a mom to an angel!!!

 

My Story.........

Life has never been a breeze for me, for a matter of fact it has been hell. When I was 15 years old my sister was hit by a car and now has a permanent brain injury, also when I was 18 my father passed away. You can say that I have dealt with my fair share of pain but I never knew that I would go through the pain of losing my own child at the age of 20. I have been with my husband for about 8 years and one and a half of those years we have been married. My journey into motherhood began in July of 2012 when I found out that I was pregnant with our child. I went out to eat with some friends and told them that I had missed my period and while we were out I picked up a pregnancy test then took it when I got home with my husband. I took two digital pregnancy tests and both were positive. My husband and I were so excited we called all of our family and friend to tell them the news. My mother was the most excited of them all. She started buying things for our child the day after I told her the news. I went to my first doctor appointment on July 30th, 6 weeks pregnant, our little one was as tiny as a peanut yet so adorable already. I went to the doctor every four weeks after that appointment and every time I seen my midwife our baby was as healthy as can be. My pregnancy was just like any other pregnancy; nausea, vomitting, and headaches through the first trimester. On November 6th, 2012, also my mother's birthday, we found out that we were having a little girl!!! The best news that I have ever heard (I really wanted to have a little girl). I started crying when the ultrasound technician told us we were having a girl and looked at my husband and smiled (he wanted a little boy). After we watched our daughter kick around and suck her thumb we left the doctor office and began discussing a name right away. We both decided that we wanted to name our daughter Isabela Rocio Castillo, the most perfect name ever!!! After finding out that we were having a little girl we began to set up Isabela's nursery room. I bought every cute outfit that I could find and so did my friends and family. I always thought that she was going to be the most spoiled baby in the world. Around 18 weeks I started feeling Isabela move and man she moved ALOT. I always told my midwife that she was going to be a soccer player. Every night before bed I would play with her by pushing a little on my belly and she would kick back. Four weeks flew by and it was time for my 24 week appointment. I went to this appointment with my friend, Sierra. I thought that it was only going to be 5 minute appointment where they would check the heart beat and that would be it, in and then out. That was not the case. I went into my appointment by seeing my midwife and she said that the heart beat looked great but I have an ultrasound. I thought that this was weird because no one told me anything was wrong before. My midwife informed me that there was a spot on my placenta that needed to be watched and they should have told me this at 20 week, althought they had not. I immediately started to cry because my husband was not going to be there to support me and see our little girl, but I was thinking that I was so happy to be able to see Isabela and my friend was going to get to see her too. When the ultrasound started the technician said that there was two spots on my placenta now and that I may need to go to St. Louis to get everything checked. I was worried after that, although the technician said that I had nothing to worry about because my little girl was growing great and that she was on track and perfectly healthy. I waited two weeks to get into St Louis for an appointment with a specialist. This was not a great day for me from the start. We got to the hospital and I was already moody and did not want to be there anymore, the wait was two hours. When I went into the ultrasound room the nurse wasn't like normal nurses were, she was very quiet and didn't say much about our baby. I was looking at the screen, saying how adorible our baby was and did not even realize that the nurse was acting funny. The nurse told us she had to go and get the doctor to tell us the results. After she left the room my husband said that we need to prepare ourselves for the worse. I told him for what...... and had him feel our baby girl (I thought that she was moving around). The doctor came in and checked her and in a split second the words any parents do not want to hear came out of his mouth "There is no easy way to say this but there is no heartbeat". I was in shock and made him repeat what he had just said and he did. The tears started to pour from my husband and my eyes as we held one another. Our mothers were in the room also and they began to cry too. These are the words that no one is prepared to hear.The doctor began to tell us that I needed to get prepared to be induced and have our daughter, he gave me the option to wait the weekend or be induced that night. I wanted to be induced that night because the thought of her lifeless inside me just made me even more upset. The feeling of her moving and floating around. I also just wanted her in my arms. The doctor admitted me within the hour, although I had to wait for a delivery room. The doctors have seen this before therefore they were not every emotional about this, they just did their job and explained everything to us and the process. I waited for one and a half days for a delivery room and eventually said that I was not waiting there any longer and that I wanted to go to my hospital near where I lived and have my own doctor deliver our daughter. As soon as I got to my hospital I immediately felt much more comfortable. There was not any one there having a baby at the time therefore I was the only one who the nurses and doctors were taking care of. I was induced and had every medication possible to help ease the pain. The first couple of hours was not to bad, not much pain, but then the hours went by and I started feeling the contractions coming. I waited until the last two hours to get an epidural because I wanted to be mobile. The medication and the pain combined was not good, I was literally throwing up every 20-30 minutes but then after I got the epidural I could finally relax. My husband told me that when I was drugged up that I would say that Isabela was moving and kept telling him to feel her kick. I can not imagine how I made my husband feel giving the circumstances. After 22 hours of pure pain and labor we finally got to hold our baby girl at 4:39 P.M. on December 16 ,2012. Isabela was the most precious little girl that I have ever seen. Looked just like me except with her daddy's nose, black hair, and the most beautiful skin tone. I could not believe what a perfect little girl my husband and I made. I sat there looking at her for a long time, with a blank look on my face. I think this was the moment where it kicked in, I finally realized my baby girl was gone forever and that soon I would have to give her up. My husband, mother, and mother in law held Isabela for while too and then we gave her to the nurse to get her ready to go to St. Louis for an autopsy. Since what happened was extremely rare and out of the ordinary, St. Louis wanted to do an autopsy and they did it for free. I stayed in the hospital for only about five hours and the doctor let me go home that same night. When I went home I just cried. My husband and I cried together that entire night. I was in so much pain, mentally and physically, I just wanted to lay on my couch and cry. For the first month I did not sleep in my own bed because it reminded me of Isabela. After all of this happened I began to be depressed and I had terrible insomnia. I never slept and I just cried all the time. I wanted to jump into having a baby right away but my doctor advised me to wait at least three months. I thought that having a baby would take the pain away. A couple feelings that I had were frustration, anger, and sadness. It hurts when I look in the mirror and see all of the body changes such as changed breasts, stretch marks, and a fatty stomach because it reminds me of losing my daughter. I see this everyday when I get ready. My husband and I were brought closer after losing our daughter and then torn apart. I feel that we were closer at first and then when my husband went on with his normal routine I blamed him and thought that he did not care like I did because I still cried everyday. I eventually realized that we grieve differently and he did care. The hardest thing, which is still the hardest thing is looking at all of Isabela's things that we had bought. We bought the crib, the bedding, a ton of clothes, and much more. Seeing my friends with their children makes me sad too. Seeing people in general that should not have children makes me frustrated because I have done everything right; dated, got married, and then had a baby, and everything got ripped away. We had to wait for two months before we got the autopsy report back. They said that I had a silent placenta abruption. If you are not familiar with this term, it is when the placenta detaches from the uterine wall and completely cuts off the oxygen from the baby. The spots that the doctors were seeing in my ultrasound was blood in-between my placenta and the uterine wall. If they had caught this sooner, maybe they could have taken her out and she would have had a fighting chance but we had no clue because I did not have any symptoms that normal women usually have and that is why it is called silent. The good thing about this diagnosis is that the chances of having this happen to us again is slim to none. It has now been almost 6 months since I had Isabela and things have not gotten much better. I still cry at night, I still talk and think about her everyday, I still think about how things should have been. I do not think that things will ever get better, even after we have a child. I get by everyday by keeping busy either with school or Origami Owl. I go to college full time and I started selling Origami Owl two months ago because I had to find something to take my time up. I decided to sell Origami Owl because I love to talk about Isabela and I have a locket in memory of her. Everyday is just another day to heal although I do not think that I will ever be the woman I was before I lost my daughter. I am now a much stronger woman that can concur anything.